Historical Hair 2
NOTE: Near the end of the call a third voice enters the call. This voice is identified as "Alex Trebek" in the transcription, which is an educated guess based on previous calls to Alex. However, there is no definitive indication that it is Alex. ** (Ring) Hello? (LPC voice very warbling) Hi, yeah. Uh, Leo please. Who's calling? This is Farney, with United Parcel Service. I'm an accountant at United Parcel Service. (Sound effects) (Hangup sound) (Ring) Hello? (Sound effects) Yes, um, ma'am, you've got a parcel from Historical Hair, here with UPS. STOP CALLING! Now can we get this settled up, or... I'm going to take this number, and report it. Now stop. Just read us the credit card number. We have no UPS account...balance. Just read us the credit card number and we'll take care of it here today. No, yeah, sure. Like I'm gonna give you my credit card number. You're an idiot. Or a routing number, okay? Just read it to me slowly, and we'll take care of it here today. (Sound effects) (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Miss, yes, you've got a small balance here, with Historical Hair. You know what, how many times are you gonna call, and from how many different numbers? We need a credit card number today. Okay? Yeah, yeah (unintelligible). What do you think, I'm stupid? Well, no, no, you ordered... Like I'm gonna give you a cr...We never ordered anything from that place...So don't... Historical Hair, that's the name of the company. Okay? I've never heard of that company before. Which one? Whatever you're saying. Historical whatever it is. Hair. Historical Hair. You've got to admit you've got hair on your head, right? Oh...You are...This is...Alright, I'm reporting all these numbers that you've called... Just read the routing number. ...from. Just read it to... What ro...you're a je... (hang up sound) (ring) Hello? (LPC sound effects on voice) Ah yes, uh, I'm calling on behalf of UPS. I'm an accountant up here. And, uh, you've got a small balance, 178 dollar balance from Historical Hair dot com. Okay? So if we could just settle payment up today, then we'll be squared away. Okay? Well, I don't think so. If you, if you got, if you got, if you got something send out a bill. Because after I get the bill, I'm turning it over to my attorney. I'm contacting the state police. And I'm turning all this information over to them. Because you guys are running a scam. I'm sick and tired of it. What do you mean there? If you got, if you (sigh). A scam? Look, you called from the different, you called from three different numbers... Hey. ...from three different places. (LPC sound effects) I don't follow you there. You have a small balance from Historical Hair. End of paragraph, okay? Kiss my historical hair. I'm trying to do my job, sir. You're really making that... Well, well, you, you ain't got a job. Your job is nothing but scam, your job is nothing but scamming people. (LPC effects) Listen, just read me the credit card number, and we'll work it out, okay? Just read it to me slowly, okay? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...blah...blah. (hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? This is Cindy with United Parcel Service. Uh, sir, you've got a package here from Historical Hair, we're trying to deliver. And receive payment on. And apparently you've had a problem with our driver, of some kind. (Sound effects). Can we work this out today, please sir? Well, what do you want? Uh, we need a credit card number, and a good time to deliver from ya, okay? (Sound effects) Can we work something thruuuuu, or? Now, what company is this from? I'm with UPS. The parcel you ordered is from Historical Hair. Wha, what does, what does UPS stand for? U.P.S., what's that stand for? Whatever scam you're trying to run, we don't stand for that, I can guarantee ya. United Parcel Service, sir. Oh, well I don't know, it sounds like you work for (LPC sound effects). Hello? What's that now? You keep putting this crap on my phone. You won't talk to me. I'm talking to you, plain English, loud and clear, right here. What is your concern, sir? Why can't you pay for your item, that you ordered? Historical Hair. First of all, I didn't order anything. Oh no? Now, I don't know if there's a mistake with this company, but I never received a tracking number. Send me the tracking number, let me see what's going on with this. And you guys refuse to do that. Now, if this was United Postal Service, like you're telling me, they would supply me with a tracking number. And you're not. It's United PARCEL Service, not Postal Service, so get that straight. Okay? Well let's get this straight, U.P.S. to me stands for Useless Piece of Shit! (LPC Sound effects) I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. Okay? Well, I want you to understand that, that's what I said. Useless piece of shit! You have a problem with that?!? If you have a problem with that, don't call me anymore! Do you understand that, you fucking asshole?!? This is a scam. I'm tired of your fucking shit! You got a fraud game goin' up there. Yeah, you sure do asshole. Look, we need you to pay for your parcel, end of story. I ain't paying for crap. I didn't order anything! Now, if you have a statement, send me a bill. I told this asshole that called last time, send me a fucking statement, 'cause I'm turning it over to my attorney. 'Cause the next time I get a phone call from you assholes, I'm writing the fucking number down, and I'm reporting you to Homeland Fucking Security! You understand that, asshole? (LPC Sound effects) Historical Hair. Historical Hair is the company you ordered from. You got it? Then deliver my package, asshole! Not 'till we get a credit card number, no sir. Well then go fuck yourself. (LPC sound effects on "Not 'till we get a credit card number, no sir.") (Hangup sound) - (Ring) Hello? Hi, this is Becky with United Parcel Service. Is Leo there, sir? We’ve got a parcel here for you. I’m trying to resolve this, uh, package delivery with you. Deliver the package. I’m looking at a past due, and we need a routing number today, and we’ll get that delivered. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Deliver the package, and I’ll pay you when you bring it. Supposedly that’s what your telling me, it’s C.O.D. Deliver the package and I’ll give you money. Uh, we’re a little past that, sir. You’ve… Well, then…you got, you got, you got problems. Take it up with your Historical Hair people. (Hang up sound) - Hello? (LPC distorted) Yeah, this is Dick with UPS. Ah, what appears to be the trouble up here, sir? Ah, you’re a Useless Piece of Shit guy, huh? (Pounding sound) Sir, we’re in need of a payment today to resolve your past due on your account. (pounding sound) You’re breaking up, I can’t hear you. You’ve got a parcel here on our dock from Historical Hair dot com, and we’re trying to get a past due resolved today, sir. What appears to be the trouble today? I’m an administrator up here. Well I’m dealing with a company called Useless Piece of Shit. Sir, would you please be professional? Okay? You’re not! Well after fourteen months on the job, I’m not professional, huh? You talked to our driver, and you talked to our other representatives, and you’ve got an issue of some kind. That’s why I’m phoning you. What’s your concern today, sir? Well, how come when the delivery man was here the other day, he said nothing about this? I don’t know who you’re referring to, sir. Alright, I’m calling the United Postal Service, I’m reporting you to them, that you’re running a scam. It’s United PARCEL Service, sir. It’s the same problem we had last time. Deliver the package then! If you got a package for me, deliver the package. Read the credit card number and the expiration date, and we’ll be there within the hour. No, you come out to my house first, and I’ll give it to you then. I ain’t giving you no number over the phone. You’re gonna have to send me out a statement. Send me a bill. It’s a little past that. We sent two statements. Well, if, if, you, you haven’t send me shit, asshole! Send me, send me a statement so I can turn it over to my attorney. Just read the number slowly. Okay? You want the number? One-Eight-Hundred-Kiss-My-Ass! Historical Hair dot com? That doesn’t ring a bell, huh? I never heard of that company before in my life. I hear that all the time. Oh, I changed my mind, I don’t… Well then I guess you, you run scam on a lot of people then, huh? It must be for your wife, sir. Now let me talk to your wife, and we’ll resolve this with her credit card. Why do you have to talk to somebody else? Maybe it was a Christmas gift, you don’t know anything about it. Aye, well I’ll tell you this. I think the longer I’m able to keep you on the phone’s the less time you’ve got to fuck with somebody else. So come on, let’s carry on this conversation. Now read me the credit card number, this is the last time I’m gonna ask you, read it to me slowly, and we’ll credit your… And then, what if I don’t? Then what are you gonna do? Why don’t you come over here, deliver my package, so I can kick you in the fucking balls. I’m an administrator, not a truck driver. Well, still come on over to my house, so I can kick you in the fucking balls. You’re running a fraud game, that’s all you’re doing. NO! I ain’t running no fraud game. I’m just telling you, come over to my house, so I can kick you in the balls. You got the address, supposedly your supposed to make a delivery. Stop by the house, I’ll kick you in the balls, and I’ll give you a check. How’s that sound? Stop by my house, let me kick you in the balls. I’m gonna transfer you to my manager, sir. I can’t get through to you. Sure. (Arthur the Gargler) Crime desk, what can I do for you? (pause) Well speak English. (Man) Who do you work for? (Arthur) Who the hell wants to know? I think I know that voice too. (Man) I got somebody calling me from, saying they’re from, uh, uh, UPS, this Useless Piece of Shit company. They want money. I tell them to come by and pick it up, and I’ll kick ‘em in the balls, but they don’t want to come over here. (Arthur) I don’t even know who I’m talking to. (man) So if they don’t want to do that, don’t bother coming out to my house anymore. Don’t bother calling me. (Arthur) Who the hell are you? I don’t come out to your house. Are you ashamed of your name? (Man) The driver’s supposed come out here and make a delivery. You haven’t made a delivery. (Arthur) What’s your name? You sound like Willie. (Man) What’s your name? (Arthur) Mine’s Arthur Schaffner. Period. (Man) Well Mr. Period… (Arthur) Maybe you got the wrong telephone number. What number have you got? Because I’m a news reporter, and it’s coming in on my police line that’s your number, but I couldn’t call it back. 5133591170, and Dapper(?) says there’s no such number. Now who am I talking to? It sounds like my son, Willie. (Man) No, somebody transferred me over to you, saying that, uh, uh, they’re with this UPS company, and they got some kind of delivery for me. (Arthur) You know, whoever your talking, I’m not ashamed to give you my name. I’m 86 years old, been in the law 58 years, and uh, I got a son named Willie, the other one is dead. Me and Robbie was just talking about it. So, I once in a while too dial a number, and then, I try to dial your number back, and the operator comes in right away and there is not such a number, ‘cause they know I’m going into the hospital next week. Because I got wounded. And who am I talking to, or are you ashamed to give me your name? (Alex Trebek) Uh? Hello? (Man) No, not really, but I just, I just don’t know what kind of scam these guys are running. (Arthur) No, now you’re still, still blaming me for something, that I don’t even know you. I don’t know your telephone number. What’d you do, chicken shit and hang up? (Man) That’s fine. (Arthur) You must have dialed wrong, fella. (Man) I guess so. (Arthur) Yeah, because an operator, when I dial that number, she says there is no such number, ‘cause you’re coming in on uh (tone) I am the biggest reporter in the United States for Police Hall of Fame police magazine, and you’re coming in on our hotline here. The one-nine-one-nine is the hotline, and I run like hell to answer it. And then, I’ll hang up, so I push a button here, I push a button right now, trace that number. Okay, they’re tracing that number to 5133591170, is that your telephone number, or did you dial wrong? (Alex Trebek) Hello? (Arthur) Yeah. (Alex) Yes? (Arthur) Yeah, just give him that number. (Alex) No, my phone just rang. (Arthur) What? (Alex) My phone just rang, and I picked up. So, somebody’s screwing with the telephone lines. They do it every once in awhile. (Arthur) Oh, is that what it is? Because whoever got me on the phone’s eating my ass. Hey, he’s calling in on a hotline. (hangup sound) (End of track)